Punishable Ridiculousness
by TalaDentro
Summary: My most ridiculous crack fic yet! We find our hero Harry Potter wandering about the Forbidden Forest with his unicorn Siegfried who is a lesbian . What does a green flower and a red squirrel have to do with it? You'll have to read to find out!


**A/N: I'm sleepy shuuuush yoouur faace.**

**Warnings: crack and slash but it's only a little slash that's barely even there (I mean it this time) and language.**

**Beta: FirstLaugh-LastTears the bestest story Doctor ever. Idky she puts up with me and my crap stories.**

Harry had defeated Voldemort in his fifth year. When Bellatrix had killed Sirius…something inside him had snapped. A pure wave of power had filled him, then burst forth from his very pores. It killed all the death eaters that had been present in the building, including the Dark Lord himself.

Cornelius Fudge, trying to save some face in the wake of his most horrible wrongness, placed him under arrest. He told everyone who would listen, and even those who wouldn't, that Harry was the next Dark Lord, and far too powerful to be allowed to roam free. When Harry sprouted long furry ears and a tail, he stopped spouting that nonsense and instead claimed that Harry was some kind of strange dark creature from outer space sent to destroy them. Now I know what you're thinking, what kind of idiot would buy that bunch of malarkey? But, as we all know, the world is full of idiots; the wizarding world even more so.

Harry had foolishly believed that his friends would help him, stick up for him, something. Instead, most had betrayed him, except Hermione. He'd been thrown into Azkaban. By the end of the first week he'd almost completely lost his mind. It just made it that much worse that he didn't know what he was. Did the blast of power give him his new appendages? Or were these signs of something else?

Dumbledore used his influence to have Harry released so he could control him. He wanted to harness Harry's power and use it for his own gains. So Harry flipped the entire wizarding world the bird and vanished without a trace. Now he was wandering aimlessly around the Forbidden Forest. His only companion a lesbian unicorn by the name of Siegfried.

"Are we there yet?"

Harry growled in frustration, "For the forty-seventh time – NO!"

"Where are we anyway?"

"The Forbidden Forest, the same place we've been for the last year!"

"When are we going to be somewhere else?"

"When I'm done."

"Done doing what?"

"Researching what I am! What the fuck is wrong with you today?"

"I'm bored."

"Then go somewhere else."

"But you won't be somewhere else."

"I fail to see your point."

"Don't need a point."

"Shut up."

"Make me"

"Silencio."

At this same time Justin Finch-Spindly-Bear or whatever the fuck his name is, not that anyone cares because he's not a main character, was skipping along the edge of the Forbidden Forest going "Na-na, na-na, na! You can't get me because you can't come out of the for-est." He stuck his tongue out in the general direction of the trees. At that moment a small black snake slithered out of the woods and bit him on the foot. He fell over and died a slow, painfully horrible death.

….

What? I told you he wasn't a main character.

Anyway, the snake that killed Justin did a little victory dance, or rather victory wiggle, next to the body. "Ha, ha, I finally got ya! Thought Snape got rid of me didn't ye? Well he didn't! And now you're dead, just wish I'd bitten you on the head."

***

It is at this point that I should explain that Harry is not part centaur. His grandma did not have sex with a centaur resulting in a baby James that had the ability to switch back and forth from a human form to a centaur form. I know that makes no sense to you but it makes perfect sense to me and since I'm the author who's not getting paid for this, that's all that matters.

Back to Harry and Siegfried; they were enjoying a leisurely lunch of strawberries and sandwiches (ham for Harry, watercress for the unicorn) in the middle of a large clearing. The silencing charm still hadn't worn off and Harry couldn't be happier. The unicorn was glaring at him over her sandwich which was easy since she didn't have hands so wasn't holding it in front of her face like a human would.

Harry ignored her, curling up for a nap once he was done eating. When he woke up three hours later he walked down to a nearby stream to wash up. Looking down at his reflection he saw that one of his pigtails had been cut off. He gasped and turned to look at Siegfried. The unicorn shrugged as if to say, "No hands dumb-ass. How do you think I managed to hold the scissors?"

Harry looked around and his eyes landed on a red Sour Patch Kid standing at the other end of the clearing holding a pair of scissors. It dropped them and looked down at the ground pitifully. Harry glared, "You think that's going to make me feel sorry for you or something? Fuck you. Reducto!" The Sour Patch Kid was blown to smithereens and all was right with the world once again.

The snake that killed old what's his face went rigid (he's maybe a mile or two away). "My mate seems upset. I should probably do something about that, like reveal that he has a mate and it is I...Na. I think I'll just stare at this lovely green flower some more." He proceeded to stare at the flower then looked around curiously. "When did I stop rhyming?"

***

Another twenty minutes after that Harry removed the silencing charm from Siegfried.

"Hey Harry."

"Yes?"

"You shouldn't have blown up that Sour Patch Kid."

"Why not?"

"It was the only creature left in the world that could've explained what you are."

"Yeah sure and how would you know that?"

"He told me. Said he'd been sent to explain things to you."

"Then why didn't you stop me?!?!"

"Silencing charm, hello?"

"Why did he cut off my hair?"

"He was a douche, but a douche that had all the answers. Now we'll never know."

"Son of a bitch on a biscuit!"

"This is a really great example of what true comedy is though."

"What are you talking about?"

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."

"Shut up."

***

_Three Days Later_

"So what are we going to do now?" Siegfried asked for the 156th time.

"I told you I don't know." Harry sighed. "Don't want to go back to the wizarding world."

"Can we go back with Hermione then? I really liked Hermione. She's hot."

Harry shook his head. "She banished you from the house after you stuck your nose up her dress. Plus, I don't want to deal with the muggles either. I'm kind of bored of wandering aimlessly though. I just don't know."

"Well you could always go back to the wizarding world as not you."

"What do you mean?"

"Instead of being Harry Potter be someone else."

"Like my husband." Said a much deeper voice from behind them. Siegfried and Harry whirled about, both crouching into defensive positions.

Harry's brow wrinkled in confusion, there was no one behind them. He looked around but there was no one in sight. "Who said that?"

"I did."

"Who's I?" Siefried said suspiciously.

"Down here."

They looked down to see a small black snake wrapped around a green flower. "Uh-huh. Well thank you for the offer." Harry said, trying to sound grateful. "But I'm not into bestiality."

The snake unwrapped himself and moved away from the flower and closer to Harry and Siegfried. When he was standing (kind of; snakes can't exactly stand, ya know, the whole no-legs thing) in front of them, he began leaking black smoke. The smoke obscured him from sight, the cloud growing bigger and bigger. With a loud pop the smoke disappeared. The snake was gone, in its place was…

"Theodore Nott?" Harry goggled, more than a little stunned.

"Yes. Why so surprised?"

"Well, this is a slash fanfiction. Usually it would be Draco or Snape or one of the Weasleys, not a side-character Slytherin that no one really knows much about because he wasn't important enough to have an in-depth character profile written about him."

"True, but it is I. I'm here to claim you as my mate."

"Of course, but, if you don't mind my asking, what kind of creature are you?"

"I'm a Basilisk hybrid."

"…how does that work?"

"Let's just say that one of my relatives was _really_ into snakes."

"Ew."

"Yeah..."

"Ya know your snake form looks really familiar."

"I was the snake that Draco set on you that killed that Hufflepuff Justin."

"How? That was just a simple snake summoning charm. And that snake didn't kill Justin."

"Yes and it just happened to summon me. I was in another part of the castle in snake form at the time. And oh yes I did. Not that particular day, no, but kill him I did."

"Oh okay. That clears everything up. Ya know, sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. You should try it."

Siegfried frowned (kind of, as a horse she doesn't really have a face capable of making an expression that a human would recognize). "Wait, there's one thing I don't understand."

"One thing?" Professor Plum asked curiously.

They all turned to look at him. "Where in the world did you come from?" Harry asked.

The man looked around. "You know, I'm not sure. I think maybe I wandered into the wrong story."

"Well go back from whence you came then." Siegfried told him snappishly.

"Alright!" The man said brightly turning around. He stopped and turned back, "Um…how do I do that?"

Harry rolled his eyes and mumbled a few spells. The man vanished. Siegfried continued with her question, "So, uh, never mind. I seem to have forgotten what I was confused about."

"Don't hesitate to ask should you ever remember." Theodore said with a smile. "Now Harry, I hereby claim you as my mate. We shall be married tomorrow."

"What the fuck? I haven't even said yes!"

"You just did."

"Not to a marriage proposal!"

"I didn't propose, I told you."

"Yeah I know and let me make this very clear – it's not gonna happen."

"Now Harry, don't make me bite you."

"Say what?"

"If I bite you you'll have no choice but to marry me or you'll die from the poison in my venom. I'm trying to do the right thing and let you chose me on your own. Come on now, you know you want to. I am pretty hot."

"Some choice, marry you or get bitten by you. Marry you or die. It's not fair!"

"Well you know what Harry? Life is unfair, sometimes. Sometimes, the hero will find himself pinned under a thousand-pound gay Sumo wrestler with a hard-on and a bottle of Viagra, while the villain will be lounging on a beach chair a thousand miles away, sipping piña coladas in Fiji with a buxom blonde bimbo massaging the kinks out of his…feet. Yes, sometimes life is startlingly unfair, and it would do a person well to remember that."

Harry thought about this and sighed. "I guess you're right. Doesn't mean I have to like it. You are hot though, I will give you that."

"And if you marry me it'll make it easier for you to reenter the wizarding world as my husband; Simon Nott."

"Simon and Theodore Nott. Lovely, all we'd be missing is Alvin."

"Who?"

"Never mind. Fine whatever, I'll marry you."

"Yay!" Another victory dance. "I promise the sex will be amazing."

"It better be. I usually don't have sex with secondary characters."

"AH!" Siegfried screamed.

"What? What?" Harry shouted, panicked. Theodore had his wand out now as well and they were both frantically searching for the threat.

"I remembered what I was gonna ask!"

Harry and Theo sighed, putting their wands away almost simultaneously. "What is it then?" Theo asked.

"Why were you hugging the flower?"

"Oh thank you for reminding me." Theo walked back to the flower, scooped it off the ground and gave it to Harry. "Here, it reminded me of your eyes." He leaned down and kissed Harry on the cheek. "I love you, my beautiful mate."

Harry blushed. "Ya know what? I change my mind. I'm making this way too easy for you. Siegfried – let's go!"

The unicorn charged toward him. Harry hopped on as she passed and the two of them vanished.

Theo stared, "Goddammit Harry! Get your ass back here! If you make me chase you I swear to Merlin I'll spank you when I find you."

"Do you think he knows that Harry likes that?" Red squirrel asked.

"No." The fish who flies at midnight answered.

"Should we tell him?"

"Naaa."

Then it started raining dark chocolate and hot men with wings.

The End.

**A/N: My explanation is simple; I have a high fever and am under the influence of very strong cold medicine. **

**Credit: For my title goes to my beta. I asked her if this was publishable and she said, "Yes it's punishable ridiculousness." The jack-o-lantern thing is from Jack Handy, it's on my profile. The sumo wrestler thing is another quote from my profile but I don't know where it comes from. And the tragedy/comedy thing is one of my favorite Mel Brooks quotes, also located on my profile. The centaur thing actually came from a conversation I had with my friend Ashly when we were brainstorming story ideas and the lesbian unicorn named Siegfried came from a conversation I had with Daichitenski about one of her video games. **

**Bye bye and buy bonds...and review.**


End file.
